Here I go again on my owwwwwn

Ok so here we go. Again.

Being overweight – it’s huge. (Pun may or may not have been intended. Decide amongst yourselves)

I have not lost a lb. Not one single lb. In fact I had a horrifying moment of hitting 202lb… not only did I cross from 100s to 200s but I believe that is actually closer to my start goal than my ultimate goal. 

Things I am Trying

  • Exercise – I bought a spin bike. £50. I’m hoping it’ll be used more and more as time goes on. Currently 30 minutes a day is the goal. 10 minutes at a time. When I can. 
  • Weighing – I have been known to cheat. Weigh 100s of times a day. Before the bathroom, after bathroom. Naked, clothed. I also have knocked off weight that I record because “I drank a tea” or “I’ve not peed today yet” so I bought Withings scales! Even in the sale they were £73… but they upload my weight automatically to various apps and then it’s out there.. in the Internet world. I can’t lie and take it back. I can’t knock anything off either as the weight goes directly – no edits! I’ve so far weighed a lot less since.

    And last but not least… I’ve been referred to an eating disorder dietician.. Which has been a long time coming and will hopefully sort some stuff out 
    In other news… I have rejoined the gym too as I finally grew a pair and applied for a work transfer!! Go me!! This means work not only sucks less.. but I also can go back to Spin classes in the mornings. Yay!!!

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    Sick Of Being Sick

    Just over a year ago I posted a somewhat lengthy post about my Gastric Band. I talked about how it changed the way I would eat forever, how sick it made me because I didn’t follow the rules and how I wanted to change.

    Hello, I’m Binny and I lied. 12 months later and I am typing this post in a depressing sequence – eat, be sick, type, eat, be sick, type. I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to make it go away. I don’t know how to get better.

    I don’t know how to fix ‘me’.

    I already have anxiety issues with new people, but then you add in the whole ‘eating’ issue and it worsens tenfold. It affects everything; what I eat, where I eat, how I eat. And it changes who I eat with. I am sick, a lot. Every day. Every meal. If I had to count, which I haven’t as the figure is probably terrifying, I am sick upwards of 30 times a day. I risk tooth loss, stomach ulcers, band slippage, perforation and ultimately death. I try and not think about it.

    The biggest issue lies in do I or don’t I tell people I meet? I risk putting them off or freaking them out. But I also risk seeming fraudulent or having unacceptable eating habits without an understandable reason.

    Not Telling People

    • They expect you to eat like them
    • You risk offending people when you don’t finish a meal
    • You risk being sick, a lot, when you try and finish a meal
    • You seem fussy – you can’t eat meat, rice, bread, eat and drink at the same time etc
    • You stick out and people just think you’re weird

    Telling People

    • They judge you for it, think you’re vain, lazy, cheating
    • It becomes too important in relationships – can you eat here, can you eat that. It decides a lot
    • People worry about you – again, can you eat this. Are you ok. Can’t you eat anymore.
    • People watch you, watch you eat, watch your bathroom habits – are you peeing or being sick.
    • People feel sorry for you, they pity the fact you aren’t like them

    I could have the band loosened, that is a very real option. It would allow me to eat more, eat better and eat easier. I wouldn’t be sick as much either. I could fit in.

    This has been an option all along, even with the price tag, an option I have refused to take. The thought of being able to eat more terrifies me – I struggle to make the right choices as it is, I still binge eat at the drop of a hat. My only saving grace that prevents drastic weight gain is the fact I can rely on being sick so much throughout my binging that weight gain is minimised.

    But I am tired, sick of being sick. Sick of worrying; is our table near enough a toilet, is there something on the menu I can eat, how am I going to manage more than one course if it comes to it, how can I be sick without anyone noticing.

    The things is, they always notice.