Sick Of Being Sick

Just over a year ago I posted a somewhat lengthy post about my Gastric Band. I talked about how it changed the way I would eat forever, how sick it made me because I didn’t follow the rules and how I wanted to change.

Hello, I’m Binny and I lied. 12 months later and I am typing this post in a depressing sequence – eat, be sick, type, eat, be sick, type. I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to make it go away. I don’t know how to get better.

I don’t know how to fix ‘me’.

I already have anxiety issues with new people, but then you add in the whole ‘eating’ issue and it worsens tenfold. It affects everything; what I eat, where I eat, how I eat. And it changes who I eat with. I am sick, a lot. Every day. Every meal. If I had to count, which I haven’t as the figure is probably terrifying, I am sick upwards of 30 times a day. I risk tooth loss, stomach ulcers, band slippage, perforation and ultimately death. I try and not think about it.

The biggest issue lies in do I or don’t I tell people I meet? I risk putting them off or freaking them out. But I also risk seeming fraudulent or having unacceptable eating habits without an understandable reason.

Not Telling People

  • They expect you to eat like them
  • You risk offending people when you don’t finish a meal
  • You risk being sick, a lot, when you try and finish a meal
  • You seem fussy – you can’t eat meat, rice, bread, eat and drink at the same time etc
  • You stick out and people just think you’re weird

Telling People

  • They judge you for it, think you’re vain, lazy, cheating
  • It becomes too important in relationships – can you eat here, can you eat that. It decides a lot
  • People worry about you – again, can you eat this. Are you ok. Can’t you eat anymore.
  • People watch you, watch you eat, watch your bathroom habits – are you peeing or being sick.
  • People feel sorry for you, they pity the fact you aren’t like them

I could have the band loosened, that is a very real option. It would allow me to eat more, eat better and eat easier. I wouldn’t be sick as much either. I could fit in.

This has been an option all along, even with the price tag, an option I have refused to take. The thought of being able to eat more terrifies me – I struggle to make the right choices as it is, I still binge eat at the drop of a hat. My only saving grace that prevents drastic weight gain is the fact I can rely on being sick so much throughout my binging that weight gain is minimised.

But I am tired, sick of being sick. Sick of worrying; is our table near enough a toilet, is there something on the menu I can eat, how am I going to manage more than one course if it comes to it, how can I be sick without anyone noticing.

The things is, they always notice.

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Second weigh in of 2015

And it did not go well.

I gained 2.5 lbs – the exact amount I lost at my first weigh in. Oops.

I did however have an amazing week in the social sense and that of course included lots of good (but bad!) food and drink.

Let’s see, there was pizza – lots of pizza. And chips. Oh and then there was Nando’s. And real cooked dinner, with real gravy and all the naughty bits. Finally there was milkshake – unforgettable milkshake. Milkshake with Kinder Buenos and marshmallows and white chocolate buttons and cream and ice cream…. and lots and lots of yummy calories.

How I only gained 2.5 lbs I will never know.  But this week I am back and that gain is going!

Things I have done

* made free soup
* eaten and shared with dogs my last pie – still counted syns though
* did a mini Slimming World shop – milk/veg
* defrosted meat to make real food again

So wish me luck and I will see you next Friday!! (Hopefully a few lbs lighter!)

Why I Want To Ditch The Chub

So week one ends tomorrow and out of 6 days so far, I have stuck to a whopping 0 days!

What the hell is going on? I actually am now thinking maybe this is it. Maybe I can’t diet anymore. Maybe I am just destined to get bigger and bigger until I pop and die!

I know I have to do this though. And I know I can do it. So why am I fucking around? When there’s so much good food available why am I sat here eating a pack of cheese and a box of chocolate biscuits???

I have decided I do not like Slimming World SP. That’s not an excuse but I just don’t like it. I never really liked red…I love carbs! So I will reread my book and bugger SP and go back to my trusty Extra Easy.

But that’s not the whole answer, perhaps I was unprepared? I have no idea. All I know is I am miserable. And have no motivation to do anything about it. But I have also spent money to attend Slimming World for 12 weeks so have to commit at least that long. All I want to lose is 2 stone. I can do that easily. So fucking do it!!

Against

Too hard
Takes too long
Expensive
I’m lazy
I’m depressed

For

Be slimmer
Be lighter
I was happy
I was fitter

I am so miserable. I haven’t been to the gym in months bar a few odd days. I am eating nothing but junk and I can’t make myself care enough to try and stop. I hate myself. I see pictures of what I got to and I hate that I gave up on that person. They were happy, I am just a fat blob of a person and I hate it.

How do I make it stop. How do I make it better. How do I get back to being happy when it seems so far away.